


Drowning

by confundedgryffindor



Series: Tumblr stuff like prompts and such [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, IS THERE A TAG FOR ANGST WITHOUT PLOT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THIS IS, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Tumblr Prompt, Unplanned Pregnancy, a smattering of fluff at the end, for some reason i wrote this in present tense which i never do, literally just gut wrenching angst, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 09:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18192884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confundedgryffindor/pseuds/confundedgryffindor
Summary: It feels as though he’s drowning, he’s unable to breathe properly without Sirius next to him. He chugs down his beer, it’s bitter and he’s drinking too fast, but he can’t really bring himself to care.-pure angst. enjoy





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> SO i wanted to write angst because,, i'm angsty idk what to tell you.
> 
> anyhoo [ moonllotus ](https://moonllotus.tumblr.com/) gave me this lovely prompt so i wrote it idk

He doesn’t remember  _ that _ night.

 

He remembers parts of it. Yelling, screaming even. Slamming doors. He remembers Sirius packing a suitcase, throwing his ring in Remus’ face. He remembers yelling after him, but Sirius never turned back. 

 

The few flashes of memories haunts him as he sits on a barstool for the fourth night in a row with an almost finished pint standing in front of him. He’s fiddling with his ring that he refuses to take off, and Sirius’ is still weighing down his pocket. Tears are stinging behind his eyes, but he ignores them. 

 

The bartender shoots him a pitying smile and refills his drink. “No charge,” she says, then she turns away. 

 

He doesn’t remember what the  _ fuck  _ happened, but Sirius doesn’t seem to be coming back.

 

It feels as though he’s drowning, he’s unable to breathe properly without Sirius next to him. He chugs down his beer, it’s bitter and he’s drinking too fast, but he can’t really bring himself to care.

 

A woman with bright pink hair slides into the seat next to him.

 

“Rough night?” she asks. Remus chuckles, a dry and unpleasant sound, almost distant to his own ears.

 

“You could say that,” Remus replies and starts fiddling with his ring again.

 

“Wife problems?”

 

“Husband,” Remus corrects. The woman doesn’t scowl or starts calling him names, she just smiles sadly and places her hand on his arm. 

 

“Want to talk about it?” Remus bites his lip. He does, if he’s being honest. James and Lily are most likely with Sirius, and he doesn’t have it in him to talk to them. 

 

“We fought,” Remus says after a while, the words almost hurts to say. He swallows hard. “We fought. I don’t even remember what we fought about, but he just packed a suitcase and left,” 

 

“I don’t have a spouse,” the woman says. “But I can imagine that it hurts,”

 

Tears are stinging behind his eyes again, and he nods. “It’s like… I can’t function without him. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat… It’s… It just hurts so much, like someone turned off all the lights and I can’t find the switch to turn them back on,” he wipes his eyes and draws a deep, shuddering breath. 

 

The woman frowns, “I’m sorry,”

 

Remus just shakes his head and orders a whiskey. And then another one. And yet another one. 

 

After an hour of slurred talking with the woman —Dora, she said— Remus decides to leave. He’s stumbling over his feet and his vision is blurred. 

 

“Let me help you,” Dora says, and wraps an almost steadying arm around him, but he’s too tall for it to work properly. Sirius would’ve been able to hold him upright, but he’s not here. “Where do you live?”

 

Their — no,  _ his,  _ flat almost looks untouched, save for a few cereal bowls and his dirty sheets. Remus doesn’t care, he just kicks his shoes off and leaves his jacket on the floor. He half expects Dora to leave him, but she shrugs off her jacket and before he knows it, he’s pressed against the door and her lips are firmly planted against his. 

 

He’s supposed to push her away, to ask what the fuck she’s doing. But he doesn’t, because with her lips against his, he can almost imagine that it’s Sirius, and his ring doesn’t seem to be weighing down his hand anymore and suddenly it’s a little easier to breathe. 

 

He knows he’ll regret it in the morning, but he can’t bring himself to care. 

  
  
  


When he’s lying in bed later and Dora plants a kiss on his forehead, the guilt and regret seeps in. He coughs awkwardly. 

 

“I-... I’m sorry, but can you leave?” his voice is still a little slurred, and it’s a little rude to ask right after a shag, but Dora just smiles. 

 

“Let me give you my number, at least,” she says. Remus scrambles up into a sitting position, he can’t remember where he put his phone, so he looks around for a pen and paper instead.

 

“Thank you for good company,” Dora says. Remus is already nodding off, but he manages a small smile. 

 

-

 

A month pass. The days bleed into each other and Remus doesn’t really know if it’s a Monday or a Thursday. And Sirius still hasn’t come back, no one has heard from him. He’s practically gone from the face of the earth, but the rings stays on Remus’ finger and in his pocket.

 

He texts back and forth with Dora, and they came to a mutual decision that their drunken fling was just that and nothing else. 

 

Until he receives a call one night. 

 

“I’m pregnant,” Dora says. She doesn’t say hello, she just cuts straight to the chase. Remus’ ears start ringing.

 

“No,” he says. “No, you can’t be,”

 

“I just took a test,” she swallows hard. “And I’m gonna keep it,”

 

“I’m not going to help you raise it,” his heart is beating too fast, his hands are sweating. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I-... I’m married,”

 

“You haven’t seen Sirius for a month,”

 

“We haven’t had a divorce,” the  _ yet  _ remains silent. “I already fucked up royally by sleeping with you, I can’t get a kid on top of that,”

 

“Remus,” Dora begins but Remus cuts her off. 

 

“No. I’m sorry. Keep the sprog, I’ll help you with whatever you need during the pregnancy, but I’m not going to raise a kid,” he scrubs his face. “He’s going to come back. I know it. And I can’t have a kid when he does,”

 

-

 

Sirius doesn’t come back for another three months, and when he does he goes to the Potters. And Remus just happens to be there. 

 

Lily and Remus are having a conversation in the kitchen, drinking tea and eating some biscuits James made with the aid of Harry (according to Lily, the kitchen was covered in flour afterwards). James was with Harry, probably reading a book for him.

 

“I still feel guilty about it,” Remus says. “I mean, I haven’t seen him for four months. But I still- I still fucked up,”

 

Lily places her hand over his, covering his ring. Remus stares down at their hands, Lily’s nails are painted, Remus’ are bitten down almost to the nail bed. “It’s alright,” Lily says, her voice is calm, maternal.

 

“It’s not, though! I don’t remember what we fucking fought about, I’m trying so hard to remember but there’s nothing! And then I shagged someone and now she’s fucking pregnant and I can’t-“ his voice cracks and tears roll down his cheeks, “I don’t want to be without him anymore,”

 

Maybe it’s pathetic to still be upset about it, maybe he should have moved on. But it still hurts, it still feels like he’s drowning, and nothing has ever hurt more. 

 

Lily doesn’t say anything. Remus swallows hard, wipes his eyes and looks up. Lily and Remus aren’t the only ones in the kitchen anymore.

 

Sirius is standing in the doorway, and he looks pretty much the same as the last time Remus had seen him, from the hair and ripped jeans, down to the grey eyes brimming with tears. 

 

Remus can’t breathe, but it’s almost in a good way now. It’s not like a steel hand gripping his lungs, or being stuck underwater. It’s  _ Sirius _ , who’s standing there, alive. 

 

“Sirius,” Remus’ voice is breathy and tears are still rolling down his cheeks. Sirius walks into the kitchen fully, his hands are shoved down deep in pockets. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he swallows hard. “I’m so sorry that I left,”

 

Remus shakes his head and stands up. He doesn’t hesitate as he wraps his arms around Sirius, pulling him as close as he can. 

 

He should be angry at Sirius for leaving, he should talk to him, maybe even shout. But he just hugs him, and Sirius hugs him back. 

 

Sirius still smells the same, he still  _ feels  _ the same, and it just feels so fucking good to be back in his arms that Remus can’t bring himself to be angry or sad. He lets out a sob of relief and Sirius hugs him impossibly tighter. 

 

-

 

Sirius smiles widely at Teddy when Dora and her new girlfriend, Fleur, drops him off for the week.

 

“Hi mini!” Sirius greets. Teddy runs up to him and hugs him, Sirius grins and lifts him up, then turns to Remus. 

 

“See? I told you he loves me more,” 

 

“Ah, but I think I love you most,”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> harass me on  tumblr 


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